I'm in Had Yai again, waiting for a room to open in the hospital. I'll be checking in and staying until the doc tells me to go home. It's been quite a process for the past couple of days. And nothing has happened yet.
Backtrack to Friday: the doc said I should check in for about three weeks and I laughed--EV 3 is next week, and by the second week of September I need to be prepping the kids for finals. No way can I take that much time off work, but maybe I can stay at the local hospital overnight and teach during the day--they offered that with the first staph infection. She wrote a letter explaining the situation and her intentions, and sent me back with instructions to keep her updated.
The thing is, after pretty well all of the diagnostic procedures, she's started to address symptoms instead of rooting out causes, so I've just started feeling some oomph again. Which makes it especially hard to let go of teaching, even for a short time: getting in front of the class means putting the happy game face on, and after enough time pasting on a smile, your body starts to believe it. Sing a few rounds of "If you're happy and you know it" and it starts to rub off.
And when the rest of the world is a painful, illness-wracked place, having that excuse to get up and going, not having the option to slip into feeling miserable, is extremely important.
But I should also be honest here and admit that I've been feeling pretty bad, and it's been hitting my teaching, especially grade 7: I go into the classroom defeated and too disheartened to try to shout them down and conduct a "normal" class. G4 is so inherently enthused that they keep going, but it's been ugly.
And admitting it is a fast route to a slippery downslide--as long as I'm great and happy and well enough to keep going, there's no reason to stop, no need to fall into the lurking, looming sickness.
I'll say only one other thing about how I'm looking/feeling/doing: walking down the street, I caught a reflection of someone and thought, "that poor bastard has some serious problems." And it was me.
Wanting to keep working looks absurd to read, I know, but when it's keeping you up and moving and functioning, and the alternative is a very deep and dark place, it's hard to let go.
It's the whole wing walker thing: don't let go of what you have until you have something else.
I spoke with my boss on Tuesday, ostensibly to give him a heads up that I'd probably be spending nights in the hospital, but still teach days.
"Dude, if the doctor is telling you to go to the hospital, go to the hospital. Or, I don't know what your stateside options are, but go the f' home if you want. That's what I'd do, just for the better medical care. But don't worry about things here, don't worry about your job. If you need time to get healthy, take it. If you need to go home and want to come back, there's a job here for you. Don't worry about that, get yourself healthy."
In retrospect, that gave permission to feel bad, permission to let the body be heard.
Hearing, "take care of yourself, don't worry about the job" from my boss was enough relief to let go, so I called the doc to say that I could come down with the idea that I'd spend a week with her and then return to do the outpatient option. I'd miss a week of school/testing, but it'd be possible to catch up fairly easily.
The only compounding factor is that it's extremely difficult to get a room in the hospital down here. It's the best hospital south of BKK and offers subsidized care to locals, so facilities are under absurd demand. The doc asked me to come down and be ready to move in on Thursday, and she would do her best to get the room and book facilities for next week.
So here I am.
It's been a long haul, and the relief at admitting I'm damn sick and miserable is tremendous. The prospect of spending a week-plus flat on my back is actually appealing, and now that I've let go of keeping up the teacher mask, the drive to get back to work is less pressing.
Too many odd parts to isolate just one, but there are some notables:
Why is it such a relief to know I have a job here?
What does one pack to go to a hospital in a foreign country?
How long does one need to be living in a foreign country before it's home?
Finally, if it's such a relief to know that I have a job here, what's next? What is it I'm after?
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